You Knew, You Hoped

You guyssssssssssss!!!

A realization just hit me. What’s it called again? Okay, I just searched the World Wide Web, it’s called an “epiphany or ‘aha’ moment or a eureka moment.’

Lol. Ofcourse, I got all the possible names, it’s AI, always oversharing, poor guy.

The realization hit when I entered the bathroom for a late night shower (at this point, creatives should be idolizing their bathrooms, ‘cos, we’ve all heard or better still, experienced the creative power of that house at a point or the other in our lives).

Anyway, to the deal…

…just realized (okay, maybe more like ‘reconfirmed’) that we always know what traits we won’t be able to keep up with in other people, friends or partners, but we stay with them regardless, hoping they’ll change.

Stay with me.

So you have a friend, a partner, with character trait A, which you cannot stand. Maybe not necessarily a vice, just, something that maybe ticks you off, triggers a part of you, makes you feel unseen, unheard, whatever - overall, not something you would want in your person. Ofcourse, like a fellow mature person (like me, eh, twinnnnnnn, lol), you communicate (they say it’s a two-way street yeah?).

Then, after communicating, being vulnerable, expressing yourself (especially when it’s not something so dramatic but which you definitely want your person to be aware of, so they don’t hurt you unseemingly), they acknowledge the sensitivity of whatever it is, and promise never to repeat or do such.

(Now, let me chop this in, it may be something others may tag ‘silly’, but never feel less of you for refusing what you want refused. If you later acknowledge it’s just a sitting trauma, get help, heal, but never let anyone make you feel less of you or stupid for acknowledging your weakness. They capitalizing on it may just mean they’re not the best for you. Else, they should be helping you heal.)

Now, back to the matter…

Then, in a few days, weeks, months, years, time, down the line, they repeat it. Then you call them out on it, they apologize, you accept, promise to do better, then ‘rinse and repeat’.

Trust me, that’s the beginning of a potentially toxic cycle. And maybe the central topic wasn’t a big deal, but the relationship, whatever it is, just got toxic.

How?

Once it happens a repeatedly, it obviously translates to them not being able to drop the act that triggers you - a pattern is created (now you decide your acceptable number that makes it a pattern to you. Once? Twice? Thrice? 20 times?)

Then you obviously stop overlooking the act

You start thinking ‘maybe they just don’t love me enough’

They keep apologizing

You keep forgiving

…the repeated pattern past your acceptable limit is where it starts getting toxic

You’re thinking “but you should know by now how this makes me feel. Then you’re thinking “or am I overthinking or overreacting”, then maybe they make you see reasons why it’s “not a big deal”, and you’re doubting your sanity “or am I just unreasonable?”

Then they finally apologize 

Then you forgive again

Then self abandonment kicks in

…and for every self abandonment, you start keeping score. You keep forgiving, but never forgetting, not anymore

…well, till a day you’ve just had enough, and the relationship ‘poofs!!!’

‘Cos now, you guys are walking on an edge with one another, and that seemingly insignificant thing, drives the wedge in between you guys.

So, you see, you always knew from the go, that the ‘red flag’ isn’t necessarily a red flag - not necessarily what they did, but what they kept doing after you communicated, after you begged them not to do, after they acknowledged they would stop doing.

You knew that love wouldn’t necessarily love away incompatibility. After all, even you weren’t compromising enough to drop your ‘trigger.’

I hope I communicated my epiphany right…

…I hope.

Peace,

Iyanuoluwa Araba.